The Ten-Step Guide to College Financial Aid By Zachary Freeman

A Credit Card Story: The Debt Pregnancy

“Get outta the way!  Get outta the way!  She is in labor!” yells the doctor as he sprints towards the delivery room.  As I leap out of the way, I hear a baby crying.  Chase has welcomed her first child, Debt, into the world.

Once upon a time, there once was a lovely, popular, beautiful lady named Chase.  She was full of promise and she was very wealthy; she seemed perfect in every way.  Sadly, she was also what one might call, “easy”.  Everyone wanted her, and everyone got her; she had no requirements or restrictions.  She constantly tempted people, whether rich or poor, and even convinced some of her lovers that all of their wildest dreams would come true if they would just use her.  She even offered money, rewards, and gifts to her lovers so that they would use her more frequently.

She was constantly getting in students’ pants, and sometimes she even snuck into their parents’ as well.  If only they knew that this girl was trouble!  That sneaky, tempting, plastic girl just inserted herself everywhere she could find a spot and no one seemed to care!

After a while, people started to get the idea that maybe Chase was getting around and sure enough, she turned up pregnant.  Who impregnated poor Chase?  Why, you did.  Everyone that used her did.  You, when you bought that new pair of jeans at the mall; that frat boy that supplied the alcohol at the party last night; the young married couple that bought the extravagant honeymoon; the teacher that needed car repairs to get to work; all of Chase’s lovers impregnated her with debt.

“Well, that’s unfortunate for Chase,” you may say.  But in reality, she’ll be just fine.  She doesn’t have to pay for anything – you do.  You see, Chase’s parents found out about what you did to her, and they’re mad.  They said that, if you didn’t pay her back for all that you used her for, plus extra, they are going to take everything that you have and send you to jail.  You’ll be broke – and in jail.

So, congratulations, new parent.  Enjoy your new baby.  Its fat and ugly and horrifying like Frankenstein.  Unlike any other child, you want to get rid of this Debt kid as soon as you can – and forever.  You don’t want it showing up twenty years down the road at the Thanksgiving dinner with the whole family there!  “Oh, I didn’t tell you?  I have a kid…”

Moral of the story: Debt would have never been born if you hadn’t fallen for Chase.  Chase was used.  Chase was abused.  And after Chase became impregnated with debt, she took all that you had, and left you with nothing.  If you haven’t met Chase, don’t.  Save yourself for something better.  Besides, you can’t afford that expensive and unfaithful Chase chick, and she sure isn’t the kind of lady you want around to manage your money.

Zachary Freeman is the author of Free Money Please!: The  Ten-Step Guide to College Financial Aid.  For information on booking Mr. Freeman to speak to your group, please email kevin@freemoneyplease.com

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